Translations
By Will Carlin
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 Recently, I introduced a friend to squash. She is a world champion sailor, and while we were on the court for lesson number one she turned to me and said: “You know, in sailing, there are a ton of things that people can do that immediately give them away as sailing neophytes. Does squash have things like that?”
Oh yeah, I said. I started to tell her about wearing your socks too high, about coming to the court wearing a brand new matching outfit, and about picking up a ball by holding it against your shoe with your racquet and flipping it up, tennis-style.
Then she asked about things that people say on or off the court. I immediately told her that when someone asks if you “want to have a volley,” we know the person is a rote beginner. She seemed confused, so I explained that the person meant rally, and that a volley was a ball hit in the air. “Really?” she said. “That’s cool.”
In fact, I told her, asking someone if they want to have a rally, even though technically correct, also gave you away. The better way to ask is simply: “Wanna hit some?” of “Would you like to hit a few?”
Similarly, during the warm-up, if you accidentally hit the ball back to yourself and try to get out of the way so that your opponent can hit the ball, you are not experienced in warm-up protocol.
Then she asked me about insults. What do people say to put down their opponents? Nothing, at first, sprung to mind (because I, of course, never do that). But then, thinking more deeply, I realized that it isn’t so much what we say as it is how we say it.
“Nice nick,” for example, seems like a compliment, and it can be if your opponent hit a slamming overhead and it rolled out, and you say it with admiration and no real emphasis on one word versus the other. If, on the other hand, you have your opponent on the defensive, and they hit a weak crosscourt which somehow finds its way into the nick around the service box, and you then say, “Nice nick” with an increased emphasis on the second word, chances are what you really mean is, “I can’t believe you hit that lucky shot, you son of a gun.” Or something like that.
“Let please,” is another one that seems like an innocent request. But “Let PLEASE!” means either “Get the heck out of my way!” or, if there is a referee, it more likely indicates that you really don’t think you could have gotten the ball, but somehow asking for it with emphasis will convince the ref to give it to you.
If your opponent hits a boast or a drop shot, and you just miss getting there, you might say to—ahem—yourself: “You were there!” This isn’t really as much self-encouragement as it is saying “you know, you really aren’t talented enough to have fooled me with that shot, so don’t get uppity” to your opponent. But slightly more subtle, if you see what I mean. (If on the other hand, you said, “Wow. I wasn’t even in the same zip code,” after your opponent fakes you out of your socks, that usually is a real compliment—with a little humor to boot!)
Sometimes, we ask a question when we really are making a statement. When we inquire, usually in a sweet tone, “Are you sure about that?” it isn’t really so much an innocent inquiry as it is saying definitively “I can’t believe you played that triple bounce.”
If you are the one being asked that seeming question, you might reply, “No question.” What you really mean, of course, is: “I can’t believe you aren’t recognizing my superior speed and greatness. And I have to be a little less nice than usual and let you know that your question is inappropriate.”
Some things aren’t exactly insults, but neither are they what they appear. After we hit a forehand drive that was a little too long, but it nicks on the back wall and the floor, we might say “lucky” or “sorry” but what we really mean is “wow, have you noticed how talented I really am?” But while the latter of these probably won’t go over so well in front of a crowd, the former—particularly if done with a little wave of your hand toward the nick area—might even earn kudos from the observers.
After the match, there are comments that don’t contain emphasis when spoken, but contain huge emphasis in the speaker’s mind. When a player says, “my opponent was just better than me today,” the accent in his head is on that last word—very, very strongly. Trust me on that one.
Finally, I told my friend, to watch out for my all-time favorite post-match insult, hidden in a seemingly nice compliment: “I was really playing badly today, but you, wow, you really played well.”
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